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much ado... [just so i remember, too.]| | (jtan is a much better and more concise writer than i am.)
one year before, i'd thought quite a bit about how i basically believe i am invincible. it's the lie most young people live.
one day before, i was listening to a friend describe a condition where someone's body basically overreacts to everything it perceives as dangerous. this can range from a common irritant to an actual threat - it's all the same.
one hour before, i was talking to audi gale about what i'm learning about mercy. about how love and sacrifice can conquer death, grace is sufficient in all our success and our failure, and about how mercy - both judgment that we deserve that is taken away from our account, perhaps a gift that we have turned into an idol, or any harm that is simply kept from us - must be equally celebrated. it's easy (comes naturally to us) to praise God for what he gives us, and yet not for what he keeps from us. when i was little, okay it's still true now, i loved playing sports - any sport - in our front yard, which faces a pretty regularly busy street. when i'm playing, i'm completely focused... the world pretty much narrows down to me and this ball. and God kept me safe every time i chased a ball into traffic. like my dad running after me at top speed yelling, catching me... over the years God's watched me rush headlong into relationships, causes that are great but not ultimate, poor financial decisions and desires to make myself great on my own terms (anything but faith), and he has not been silent. even down to which college i'd go to and what life i would have there - truly, "the king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he will." proverbs 21:1. not that i am a king by any stretch, but that if he has the king's heart, he surely has mine.
one hour later, i lived it.
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at about 2:30pm yesterday, me, jeanine and cindy were just done playing "find the saltine"... in our mouths... in 30 seconds... when i went back into the food court, defeated, to grab water. as i was coming back, feeling finally coming back into my mouth, i noticed a couple workers locking the front doors. i quickly got out, throwing a quick look at the hours of operation sign - it was well before 8pm. what was going on? but i headed back to our table, where jtan was just about to conduct a Very Important Conversation.
five minutes later, a very composed campus staff member in blue came to our table and told us we needed to come inside. the student center was on lockdown. please get into the back of the food court and stay away from the windows. i suddenly became aware of the helicopters circling frantically above. confused, frankly disbelieving, we followed the haphazard crowd inside and stayed glued to the walls, silently bewildered (good word) that the food court booths were all gated down, employees still inside and all. i remember joking nervously to keep reality at bay. "man, we shouldnt have eaten those crackers so fast. we'll probably need them later." jtan, who has an amazing memory and could probably go a whole day without using up any original words - merely quoting movie lines - kept saying, "this is just like an episode of one tree hill." (i'm so happy she didn't elaborate... you'll see.) terse words, halfhearted chuckles. we eventually camped out by the sushi display (radiating a strange heat as it refrigerated) by rice garden.
the pa system cleared its throat but didn't continue. i looked up. everyone who had already been sitting and eating continued as usual, both reassuring and yet completely not. later cindy and jtan recalled faces and voices around us, but i could only hear my own thoughts. what the heck was going on? they weren't telling us anything, so i grabbed my ipod touch and started googling without really even knowing what to search for. uci... high risk situation? that's all we knew. nothing was coming up. someone brought up zot alert, which texts announcements, emergency and otherwise, which was set into place after the virginia tech shootings, but none of us were signed up and everything online was 'otherwise.'
at this point jtan called her sister. amazing. i didnt want to freak out my parents yet, so i texted my sister in class and asked her to pray, and then texted a few other people to check online for me and let me know if they found anything.
then i logged onto facebook. leo mullarky, the director of crusade at uci, was in another part of the student center and asking for prayer as he'd "heard there is a guy on campus w/ a rifle. this is not a joke. please pray and be careful" and my breath caught. suddenly, knowing what was going on was only marginally more appealing. i let them know, started texting a bunch of people for prayer and to let them know where we were and started scouting the area around us for exit routes just in case. heh. like i wouldve known...
i have no idea how long we were actually in there. reason stands that it was between 30 and 40 min... but it felt like forever. waiting always does for me. my adrenaline was high. activity inside the food court was still at a low hum. cindy caught my arm at one point and pointed to a guy darting around with his laptop in hand, maybe filming the whole thing? he was circling the cafeteria, definitely the closest person to the windows in the whole place. it was so creepy. my anxiety level spiked- why is he so calm? does he have something to do with this?
my mind reeled with too many possibilities. so i just prayed - prayed for the confusion in this possible gunman's heart, for the darkness set in him, that God would direct him away from the student center... but if not... i trust you. at that moment the double doors snapped open. we all startled toward the sound - my heart stopped - it was uniformed officers, eyes hard, jaws set. vests on.
the first officer, stocky and asian, strode purposefully toward us. what is going on?? just when he passed us he whipped his gun out barking, "you! on the floor. hands behind your head. NOW!" he was aiming at a guy just behind the next table, some five feet away from us. the group (cindy thinks they were doing bible study) immediately cleared and i jumped up too, suddenly glimpsing a tall guy in camo pants on the ground, hands bound, unarmed. he was here the whole time?????? they locked him in with us! we scattered, bolting for the door, but the officers backing him up pointed at us to "get down!" so we crouched, shuddering. i grabbed cindy's hand as we hit the floor. she reached her other hand out but couldnt find a match... "jeanine!" jeanine was separated by another group that was visibly shaking and freaking out. i remember distinctly the girl right next to cindy was using her phone to film the whole thing. honestly, i'm not sure i will ever understand people who do that. i looked back and he was down, not struggling, the officers surrounding him, and i was flooded with relief. the threat was over.
we caught up with jeanine when we were finally able to leave single file out of the food court into the open study area in the student center - light, pleasant blue carpeting, comfortable couches. i cant remember if they play muzak too, but i've never been so comforted by drab normalcy.
i called my dad - he'll know what to do. as we watched the officers march him out of there, muttering this was a mistake, i told my dad what had happened and as i said the words, it really hit me - that had really just happened. they were looking for a suspicious person, possibly armed, and he was in there with us. if i had stood up for a moment and glanced over to my right, i would've seen him. when all the dust cleared yesterday afternoon he had apparently just come back from paintballing - camo pants, the who band shirt, surplus hat and all. the gun was simply a detailed replica. i remember looking at him as i was listening to my dad ask me if i was okay and thinking... holy crap. he looks just like school shooters you see on tv and in the papers. tall white guy, bleached blond hair, full gear, sullen face. if i'd actually seen him inside... would i have judged him by all that? would that alone (i didnt see the gun with him) have been cause for alarm?
but what i do know is that even as i was completely indignant that he was right there with us, not knowing he was there was the greatest mercy that we could have been given. i can see (and shudder at) the chaos that would have followed if we had known, completely helpless to leave, angry and afraid. even as i type this i can feel anger boiling at the injustice of it all (at the time we perceived this was a threat to our lives) and gratitude bubbling over that he went with them quietly. i dont know if the police knew their suspect was here, but i do think we were sheltered from this reality in perfect kindness. and i know that God knew everything, and that he'd do anything to protect us in the best way, even though we were never truly in danger. but he had us, and he heard us, and it has nothing to do with what we believe or profess. it's about him and who he is, love that gladly died for all of us.
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this morning:
im still shaken - guns were drawn and the threat we all thought was outside the building, perhaps trying to get in, was actually among us - although i slept pretty much instantly yesterday. also, i'm having a hard time feeling safe indoors on campus right now. yesterday was actually my official last day on campus - our team is on a semester schedule this year - and i'm moving home on tuesday to save on rent and raise support for my summer, and i do feel uneasy when i think about uci now. but i think i just need time - i think it actually affirmed for me the need for campus ministry as well as the surrounding local church - who knows what's going on in minds and hearts right now.
so if you're of the praying sort that would be really appreciated - for all affected, students, administration and community alike, but especially close to me are cindy, a uci sophomore, and jeanine, who's graduating in three weeks. thanks.
| | | Posted 5/21/2009 9:09 AM - 12 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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