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Name: steph
Metro: San Mateo
Interests: pondering what has never had the pleasure of being pondered before. ceaselessly pursuing the unimaginable. finding treasure in the unfathomable.
also, typing 'lol' and really meaning it.
Expertise: chasing fun. doing what i'm not quite s'posed to be doing. running things into the ground; pursuing things until they become meaningless. tripping. starting things and not finishing them. drinking root beer.
Message: message me
AIM:  elephantjuice55
AIM:  youaresteph
Member Since:
6/1/2005
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| isaiah 43(israel's only savior.)
43:1 But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
4 Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life.
5 Fear not, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
and from the west I will gather you.
6 I will say to the north, Give up,
and to the south, Do not withhold;
bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the end of the earth,
7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.” 8 Bring out the people who are blind, yet have eyes,
who are deaf, yet have ears!
9 All the nations gather together,
and the peoples assemble.
Who among them can declare this,
and show us the former things?
Let them bring their witnesses to prove them right,
and let them hear and say, It is true.
10 “You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
“and my servant whom I have chosen,
that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor shall there be any after me.
11 I, I am the Lord,
and besides me there is no savior.
12 I declared and saved and proclaimed,
when there was no strange god among you;
and you are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and I am God.
13 Also henceforth I am he;
there is none who can deliver from my hand;
I work, and who can turn it back?”
i am learning to be loved again.
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| today, as promised, dr. alan scholes (teaching our intro to christian theology class here at new staff training) lectured on the difference between miracles and providence.
basically, miracles are when God bends or "temporarily suspends" existing laws of nature. they are generally inexplicable, unrepeatable events.
providence is when God works through the existing laws (cause-and-effect loops) to bless his people.
by these definitions, someone driving their motorbike at 95mph on a slippery winding road that skids off a rough patch and tumbles into the concrete wall headfirst - and walks away unscathed - is a miracle. someone with an inoperable brain tumor that suddenly disappears - is the beneficiary of a miracle. in other words, things like these are "not supposed" to happen.
providence is when (like what happened to me yesterday! yay) your mother calls you out of nowhere cause she's just been talking randomly to people at church and a friend of hers wanted to support me. yes, it was amazing and wonderful that she gave out of her heart, in a response to what she herself had been given, and it IS the very total that just dropped off for me, and will help pay for training! and however spectacular it is it's no miracle - it's just providence. amazing grace it is! but no miracle.
anyway, i'm writing this not to be a downer, but that i got to witness a moment of pure worship when he suddenly noted that it makes God all the more awesome that while he was still orchestrating the world and its ways, he would have had to fashion natural laws in such a way that our prayers could be answered through them - he knew what we would pray for and what we would need at the exact time - before we ever were.
amazing.
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nst is great. i've met a ton of people already (there are 250 of us now that 30+ some canadians just joined us this week for classes) and i love their faith and getting to know their stories. and i can already see in just one week's time that i'm going to be with a lot of these people for a long time, wherever we end up. a handful are staff kids and i can't tell you how inspiring it is to see multigenerational ministry families!
last night we had a storm to compete with all storms. it even elicited a tornado warning. toto, we're not in california anymore!! i had to have a very nice person from kentucky inform me of the proper tornado self defense position. ahaha. which is very much like ducking-and-covering during an earthquake.
also notable: there's a team quickly forming for destino la!! and i'm so excited for those who are signing up. praying i'll get to live with some of these women. no one's talked to me about placement but i'm, as usual, content to be along for the ride.
finally, today is sam li's birthday and we're going out! downtown fort collins here we come.
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| so this year has been a year of discovery for me - discovering that living in southern california (orange county specifically!) wasn't so bad, discovering that i can make friends outside of my own context, discovering i enjoy ministry even without the safe and comfortable context of my college, discovering kogi owns me... and discovering all the ways that my stunted emotional self is truly at a loss when it comes to loving and shepherding others (aka uncovering the ways that i am a robot!).
[as adam anderson wondered aloud once, why are so quick to trust our thoughts (often quoting jeremiah 17:9: "the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" as a case against our feelings) when paul in romans chapter 12 tells us that we must be "transformed by the renewing of our minds"? our minds are equally fallen and in desperate need of redemption. let's not overspiritualize intellectualization here. and i know - my mind immediately goes to - several instances i've hurt others because i've tried to help without connecting with their hearts first. ]
i'm not saying this in a bad (read: condemning) way; God's still created me as a fixer, a problem solver, a strategist (sort of), and to love truth so as pursue authenticity especially when it's uncomfortable. i'm excited. i think, in a way, crying more actually makes me laugh more. it helps me linger. it helps me be more fully present (another personal value) wherever i am.
it's also actually helped me learn a lot about my strong intuitive side (so strong, so compelling big-picture that i am really bad with details... like notes my housemates used to write to me in huge letters).
anyway, all this is to say, i was so excited when pastor justin buzzard posted a review of matthew elliott's book feel. elliott is pretty much the preeminent scholar on emotions, particularly in the new testament.
in this tome he asserts:
- Emotions were given by God to drive us to our best.
- Emotions are among the most logical and dependable things in our lives.
- The true health of our spiritual lives is measured by how we feel.
interesting, right?
well, i just started, and i hope to synthesize more thoughts (ha, ha) soon, but i really enjoyed this part from chapter 2:
"In my search... one of the great revelations about emotion was so subtle, so natural, that I almost missed it entirely.
The Bible talks about emotion just like we do in everyday conversation.
There is no special category for "Christian love," that agape kind our Christian leaders like to talk about - intellectualizing an emotion into a philosophical ideal. Love, hope, joy - and even hatred - in the Bible are not just lofty ideas and concepts; they are feelings and emotions, just as we know them in our own lives and talk about them with our families and friends.
There is a great example of what I am talking about in Romans 12: "Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don't curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don't be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all!"
... Commands to love and to be in prayer and to be joyful and not to be lazy are all jumbled up together. In the midst of a plea to keep our spirits boiling passionately, Paul tells us to have great empathy for others, to feel what they are feeling. If we are going to be enthusiastic in serving God, we had better feel others' joy and pain as if it were our own.
It occurred to me that our spirituality is all about how we are feeling - whether we are feeling life or are numb to it. If we are not feeling as we should, something is really wrong with our relationship with God.
... I wondered at all the sermons I'd heard and if I'd ever heard a pastor say, "Feel!"
Without any qualifications.
Without any theological rhetoric.
Without any attempt to redefine the word.
Feel!
I wondered how I'd react if I went to church one Sunday and heard, "God is telling you that next week you should filled with happiness and good cheer; you need to give genuine, warm hugs every night to your family; and if something really bad happens to a friend in the church, you need to be over at their house crying with them. No, I don't mean dropping by a card and a casserole for dinner, your Christian duty. I mean entering into their pain and really crying with them."
Paul is that preacher. And that is what I learned from him in Romans. To him, a Christian's emotional life is all rolled up in and with and around how we should behave and how we should think. For Paul, it's no different to say "cry with the grieving" than to say "don't lie." Duty is there, but not devoid of passion and emotion. It's all one." (p. 23-25)
(i love the passage he quotes so much. it's one of my favorites.)
here's to hoping i'll understand the people around me better, particularly my sister. :)
hope you're well!... i head to colorado in one week! wow.
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| much ado... [just so i remember, too.](jtan is a much better and more concise writer than i am.)
one year before, i'd thought quite a bit about how i basically believe i am invincible. it's the lie most young people live.
one day before, i was listening to a friend describe a condition where someone's body basically overreacts to everything it perceives as dangerous. this can range from a common irritant to an actual threat - it's all the same.
one hour before, i was talking to audi gale about what i'm learning about mercy. about how love and sacrifice can conquer death, grace is sufficient in all our success and our failure, and about how mercy - both judgment that we deserve that is taken away from our account, perhaps a gift that we have turned into an idol, or any harm that is simply kept from us - must be equally celebrated. it's easy (comes naturally to us) to praise God for what he gives us, and yet not for what he keeps from us. when i was little, okay it's still true now, i loved playing sports - any sport - in our front yard, which faces a pretty regularly busy street. when i'm playing, i'm completely focused... the world pretty much narrows down to me and this ball. and God kept me safe every time i chased a ball into traffic. like my dad running after me at top speed yelling, catching me... over the years God's watched me rush headlong into relationships, causes that are great but not ultimate, poor financial decisions and desires to make myself great on my own terms (anything but faith), and he has not been silent. even down to which college i'd go to and what life i would have there - truly, "the king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he will." proverbs 21:1. not that i am a king by any stretch, but that if he has the king's heart, he surely has mine.
one hour later, i lived it.
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at about 2:30pm yesterday, me, jeanine and cindy were just done playing "find the saltine"... in our mouths... in 30 seconds... when i went back into the food court, defeated, to grab water. as i was coming back, feeling finally coming back into my mouth, i noticed a couple workers locking the front doors. i quickly got out, throwing a quick look at the hours of operation sign - it was well before 8pm. what was going on? but i headed back to our table, where jtan was just about to conduct a Very Important Conversation.
five minutes later, a very composed campus staff member in blue came to our table and told us we needed to come inside. the student center was on lockdown. please get into the back of the food court and stay away from the windows. i suddenly became aware of the helicopters circling frantically above. confused, frankly disbelieving, we followed the haphazard crowd inside and stayed glued to the walls, silently bewildered (good word) that the food court booths were all gated down, employees still inside and all. i remember joking nervously to keep reality at bay. "man, we shouldnt have eaten those crackers so fast. we'll probably need them later." jtan, who has an amazing memory and could probably go a whole day without using up any original words - merely quoting movie lines - kept saying, "this is just like an episode of one tree hill." (i'm so happy she didn't elaborate... you'll see.) terse words, halfhearted chuckles. we eventually camped out by the sushi display (radiating a strange heat as it refrigerated) by rice garden.
the pa system cleared its throat but didn't continue. i looked up. everyone who had already been sitting and eating continued as usual, both reassuring and yet completely not. later cindy and jtan recalled faces and voices around us, but i could only hear my own thoughts. what the heck was going on? they weren't telling us anything, so i grabbed my ipod touch and started googling without really even knowing what to search for. uci... high risk situation? that's all we knew. nothing was coming up. someone brought up zot alert, which texts announcements, emergency and otherwise, which was set into place after the virginia tech shootings, but none of us were signed up and everything online was 'otherwise.'
at this point jtan called her sister. amazing. i didnt want to freak out my parents yet, so i texted my sister in class and asked her to pray, and then texted a few other people to check online for me and let me know if they found anything.
then i logged onto facebook. leo mullarky, the director of crusade at uci, was in another part of the student center and asking for prayer as he'd "heard there is a guy on campus w/ a rifle. this is not a joke. please pray and be careful" and my breath caught. suddenly, knowing what was going on was only marginally more appealing. i let them know, started texting a bunch of people for prayer and to let them know where we were and started scouting the area around us for exit routes just in case. heh. like i wouldve known...
i have no idea how long we were actually in there. reason stands that it was between 30 and 40 min... but it felt like forever. waiting always does for me. my adrenaline was high. activity inside the food court was still at a low hum. cindy caught my arm at one point and pointed to a guy darting around with his laptop in hand, maybe filming the whole thing? he was circling the cafeteria, definitely the closest person to the windows in the whole place. it was so creepy. my anxiety level spiked- why is he so calm? does he have something to do with this?
my mind reeled with too many possibilities. so i just prayed - prayed for the confusion in this possible gunman's heart, for the darkness set in him, that God would direct him away from the student center... but if not... i trust you. at that moment the double doors snapped open. we all startled toward the sound - my heart stopped - it was uniformed officers, eyes hard, jaws set. vests on.
the first officer, stocky and asian, strode purposefully toward us. what is going on?? just when he passed us he whipped his gun out barking, "you! on the floor. hands behind your head. NOW!" he was aiming at a guy just behind the next table, some five feet away from us. the group (cindy thinks they were doing bible study) immediately cleared and i jumped up too, suddenly glimpsing a tall guy in camo pants on the ground, hands bound, unarmed. he was here the whole time?????? they locked him in with us! we scattered, bolting for the door, but the officers backing him up pointed at us to "get down!" so we crouched, shuddering. i grabbed cindy's hand as we hit the floor. she reached her other hand out but couldnt find a match... "jeanine!" jeanine was separated by another group that was visibly shaking and freaking out. i remember distinctly the girl right next to cindy was using her phone to film the whole thing. honestly, i'm not sure i will ever understand people who do that. i looked back and he was down, not struggling, the officers surrounding him, and i was flooded with relief. the threat was over.
we caught up with jeanine when we were finally able to leave single file out of the food court into the open study area in the student center - light, pleasant blue carpeting, comfortable couches. i cant remember if they play muzak too, but i've never been so comforted by drab normalcy.
i called my dad - he'll know what to do. as we watched the officers march him out of there, muttering this was a mistake, i told my dad what had happened and as i said the words, it really hit me - that had really just happened. they were looking for a suspicious person, possibly armed, and he was in there with us. if i had stood up for a moment and glanced over to my right, i would've seen him. when all the dust cleared yesterday afternoon he had apparently just come back from paintballing - camo pants, the who band shirt, surplus hat and all. the gun was simply a detailed replica. i remember looking at him as i was listening to my dad ask me if i was okay and thinking... holy crap. he looks just like school shooters you see on tv and in the papers. tall white guy, bleached blond hair, full gear, sullen face. if i'd actually seen him inside... would i have judged him by all that? would that alone (i didnt see the gun with him) have been cause for alarm?
but what i do know is that even as i was completely indignant that he was right there with us, not knowing he was there was the greatest mercy that we could have been given. i can see (and shudder at) the chaos that would have followed if we had known, completely helpless to leave, angry and afraid. even as i type this i can feel anger boiling at the injustice of it all (at the time we perceived this was a threat to our lives) and gratitude bubbling over that he went with them quietly. i dont know if the police knew their suspect was here, but i do think we were sheltered from this reality in perfect kindness. and i know that God knew everything, and that he'd do anything to protect us in the best way, even though we were never truly in danger. but he had us, and he heard us, and it has nothing to do with what we believe or profess. it's about him and who he is, love that gladly died for all of us.
/ / /
this morning:
im still shaken - guns were drawn and the threat we all thought was outside the building, perhaps trying to get in, was actually among us - although i slept pretty much instantly yesterday. also, i'm having a hard time feeling safe indoors on campus right now. yesterday was actually my official last day on campus - our team is on a semester schedule this year - and i'm moving home on tuesday to save on rent and raise support for my summer, and i do feel uneasy when i think about uci now. but i think i just need time - i think it actually affirmed for me the need for campus ministry as well as the surrounding local church - who knows what's going on in minds and hearts right now.
so if you're of the praying sort that would be really appreciated - for all affected, students, administration and community alike, but especially close to me are cindy, a uci sophomore, and jeanine, who's graduating in three weeks. thanks.
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| been thinking about the gospel and community, especially missional community.
and it just clicked for me:
soong-chan rah, a professor at northpark theological seminary in chicago, writes his book "the next evangelicalism" in hopes of awakening evangelicalism to a fuller, broader and bolder vision of the church in the next years:
"the phrase 'captivity of the church' points to the danger of the church being defined by an influence other than the scriptures. the church remains the church, but we more accurately reflect the culture around us rather than the characteristics of the bride of christ. we are held captive to the culture that surrounds us. to speak of the white captivity of the church is an acknowledgement that white culture has dominated, shaped and captured christianity in the united states. at times, the white evangelical church has been enmeshed with western, white american culture to the great detriment to the spread of the gospel. this state of american evangelicalism cannot continue if we are to move toward the future." (p. 21-22)
(as an aside... i dont want to make the mistake of attributing evil or something to being white. there was a compelling charge a few years ago to a latino candidate for governor asking if anything would be different in the coming years when latino americans will comprise the majority in california. what will change? of course a lot will be different, but at the same time, we can't pretend minorities are more pure somehow. power does funny things. but i also don't want to play down the injustice that has been perpetuated, either.)
his first chapter is individualism and how it's destroying the idea of church - as 1 cor 12 defines it, one body, many parts. how it creates an easy culture of consumerism (do i like this church? did it entertain me? did it give me what i wanted? okay then, next!) and cheap grace.
america was founded on the notion of freedom.
but to believe that freedom is solely individual is death. it leaves us more vulnerable than we know to believe that our joy and liberty is found alone and in causes that divide and separate. it creates haves and have-nots. it makes us believe our needs are greater than others. shaun groves wrote a super post awhile back (just before his compassion trip to india!) fleshing out a story francis chan keeps retelling... mostly because we keep needing to be reminded:
In his message he told the story of how he decided to give away a large sum of money he earned from a successful book deal. He ended the story by saying that some advocates of moderation have asked him if it’s wise to give all that cash to aid the poor. “Shouldn’t you put some of it away in case of emergency?” To which he answered, “Are you saying that what’s happening in ‘the developing world’ isn’t an emergency? ...Oh, you mean an emergency that involves me. Because if it doesn’t involve me then it’s not a real emergency right?” He explained passionately and very gently that God is not moderate in his generosity toward us. Jesus didn’t look at the mess on Earth and say, “Well those problems aren’t my problems so I’m staying out of it.” No, he gave all because he loved the whole world. Love says your emergency is my emergency and then it sacrifices without moderation to rescue. Love, Francis believes, doesn’t save a sum so large for its own future needs when someone else is in tremendous need right now.
being one body means that what happens to one of us happens to all of us.
it means that "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." (dr king)
and we simply can't afford to forge ahead on our own.
we don't welcome people to our meetings in hopes that they'll stay. we invite them into relationship with us and part of that involves sharing in the call and identity that we are perfectly loved and sent people (see mark 5).
we don't ask how we can pray for others so we can spread their crap around. we do it because God's given us the special privilege to intercede for one another in his name because the days are short and cruel. his name is the only real power we have.
we don't encourage because it's the altruistic thing to do and makes others feel good and/or think more highly of us. we do this because we are able to say words to give grace to those who hear because God has placed his holy spirit in us as a seal for that day.
we don't give to fulfill some quota or alleviate some guilt. we give because we've been given much.
we don't serve because of some crazy obligation. we served because jesus came not to be served but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many. i will never be that ransom. but i think i can labor so that others may be blessed.
we don't share our faith because it makes us appear spiritual. we do it because the world needs to know that it can be loved and redeemed. forever.
we don't lead to make much of ourselves. there's simply no time and we're not that impressive anyway. lead people to the cross.
neither are we asian american in a bubble. we need to be intentional to seek and love those around us. our identity is in christ and our citizenship is in heaven and that's wonderful. but so many aren't and we have the unique perspective to speak into their lives.
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ok back to reading/ processing.
seriously, i've been slacking on journaling just because i've been kind of down / furiously at work / dissolving into laziness because it's easier... about the end of the year. please pray for strength in love.
i also have four more posts to write. lots has been going on.
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